Insightful Thoughts

Slowly he looks around for the one thing he knows he wants,
Lacking in fortune knowing he’s alone,
Not feeling how he should feel,
Not seeing what he should see,
Hoping to find a special place to fall upon and feel safe.

Wondering how far he needs to fall,
To feel the faith inside u need to know you’re alive,
Looking inside his heart he knows is the best place to start,
He wanders around the forever-darkening world,
Trying to find his light.

As he stares through the shadows of his past,
He can see the glittering light he has longed for,
Though the world is forever darkening this light stays prominent from the dark,
Walking towards this light he can see,
It’s a childhood memory dressed in light.

The past begins to fasten its hold on him,
Looking deep inside his heart,
The clench of a fist bring him back to his feet,
Knowing he can see this light helps fade away the dark,
The growing darkness withers away to reveal the world in its true form.

He continues to wander towards the growing light,
While walking forever remembering this is the real past,
The light all around gives him the strength to see its always been there,
The one thing he hides from himself is becoming forever closer,
Continuing to walk towards the light, thinking, hoping.

He makes, what in his mind seems forever,
The journey to the golden array,
He looks while shielding his eyes into a visage of his past,
He can see himself, a happier person, an adventurous boy,
He can see the images still in his head, the memories return.

He turns, able now to see a future in the distance,
His memories have returned to keep him alive,
Remembering how things used to be he opens his eyes,
Feeling truly alive,
Looking forwards in his mind he can imagine a new type of light.

He’s able to see clearly, back to his true self,
He walks away as the mirage disappears,
From an imaginary image to a long lost memory,
A fragment of his past has been returned,
Knowing, looking into his heart he can see the life.

He has realised,
Alive is not forgetting the past and looking to the future,
Alive is knowing your past lives on.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

Impact Under the Skin

Strike me down with one forever victorious blow,
The impact is more than you could ever imagine,
It blows away both my physical and my mental self,
With one swinging hit you destroy my life and soul.

More damage than is possible to repair in a lifetime,
The shattering impact it had on my life will remain,
I can never shift the forclosure than your acts have immited,
My physical self is left broken as my soul drifts away.

Not many people can see the problem unless they see inside,
Past my body and past my mind and into my soul of broken glass,
Shards of my soul litter my mind as i try to gather and rebuild,
The puzzle left in the mist of my heart is too damaged to repair.

One day soon i hope to find my puzzlemaster,
This one person will be able to solve my broken puzzle,
The pieces that are missing can be recreated,
I hope and pray that i will become whole... someday.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

I'll Never Be Accepted

Starlight, moonlight, daylight,
Moving ever closer towards the light,
Feeling a mass of wishful delight,
Giving up this meaningless fight.

Flowing, showing, knowing,
Body aching as minds overflowing,
Tapestry of the heart ever unsewing,
Mind waving to body to show its going.

Collision, decision, omission,
A broken hearted soul needs fusion,
Unsettled by an unwanted illusion,
Binded by a repeated conclusion.

I'll never be accepted.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

I Thank You

A dedication of appreciation,
A call for aid followed by a thank you,
A reach for a hand of acceptance,
A responce to my cry for help,
A friend in need, i thank you.

I thank you with all my soul,
I thank you for being there for me,
I smile as i think about you,
I smile as i cry silently to myself,
I conceal my gratitude, but i thank you.

You have embedded yourself in my mind,
You kept your promise and you remain,
You help me with every word you utter,
You are always there in times of need,
You keep me alive and sain, i thank you.

Dedicated to and inspired by a true friend, - Jnnfrlndn - I thank you.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

I Dont Want to Hide Nomore

My mind begins to wander as i sit here alone,
Irritaded by my breathing and sighings tone,
My arm now outstretched to try to take hold,
Of a hand to pull me out of this bitter cold.

Still in my mind are these thoughts that i keep,
Deep inside down in me they're consuming my sleep,
To torment my only time of pure release,
Why is there always upset and pain without peace.

What have i down to deserve all of this,
Is it something i said, tell me what did i miss,
Im not a bad person so just leave me be,
Let me be me, im sick of changing my personality.

I hide everything from the ones who love me,
If i told them then everyone would be able to see,
How close i come to always ending my life,
Or self harming like cutting through skin with a knife.

To be honest i just dont know what to do,
Someone give me a solution or even a clue,
To stop all this stuff eating me from the inside,
I need to be free like a bird, i dont want to hide, nomore.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

Gateway To Hell

Imagination, presentation, confirmation.
Confront the inner most feeling of abstract unappreciation,
Like a strand of hair falling from a scalp,
Your fogotten in a second.

Believing, revealing, consealing.
Conseal your happiest memories deep inside your mind,
The only key being depression in thoughts,
Which unlock the mind to steal them away.

Appreciation, re-creation, alteration.
Altering the way you present yourself unto the worls,
Feeling of irritation blocking the way forward like the gateways to hell,
Only your mind holds the combination.

Encrapulating, invigorating, enlightening.
Enlighten those around you with the possesive thoughts of depressiveness,
Sharing upset and spreading the burden,
Infecting those around you.

Depression, aggression, infection.
Infecting the world to ease your pain,
The problems becomeing ever more prominant,
Open the gateways of hell for relief.

Belief, relief, the gateway to hell overwhelming your grief.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

Finding You

That special star in my heart,
Soaring, skyward heading for that brightest star,
Like an angel in heaven loving the view,
Looking down on the earth trying to find the perfect place,
Hills and animals and an amazing look of true beauty,
Soaring, skyward heading for that brightest star,
He spreads his wings and leaves everything behind,
Not a care in the world with only passion in his eyes,
Finding his way to that amazing place,
A view of sheer beauty with glitters of insight,
That star by his side, unbelievable supremacy,
The feeling of joy and acceptance,
That star i was searching for is now in my heart,
That love i feel for you is only the start,
Of a wonderous creation of angels so true,
We will never be alone,
You got me,
I got you.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

A Comparison of Two Equalities

look up, look up.
swooping out into a field of clouds.
look up, look up.
soaring over the memory of the forgotton land below.
look up, look up.

flying through the air as if swimming in the sea,
the air in the sky all around him as like water he is free,
faster and faster,
air turns to wind as if ripples through an ocean,
wind turns to storm like waves crashing around him.

a comparison of two equalities rich in life,
identicalities which both hold the same purpose,
the meaning of a bonded pair of creations,
the proof that good things come in succession,
the amazing prospect of a eternal perfect match.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

A Clouded World

Awakening in the morning to the same clouded world,
My view permanently blocked by an array of distortion,
Again the same old thing, i breathe, breathing in smoke,
The smoke delinquished and dispersed throughout,
Mind and body now clouded, why did i awaken?

I sit, i sit and wonder, wondering deep down, why bother,
Infatuated by indiscretions of unappreciation,
My mind clears a little as i manage to drink from a cup,
Could this be a holy grail to keep me here, i doubt it,S
ighing i stand, huh... am i a boy or a man?

I reach for acceptance, may have well be a closed hand,
Nothing there to take hold of, nothing ever there,
I pull back my reach clutching my chest, panic settles,
Attack after attack, anxiety determined to destroy me,
Yet im still here, why... why dont i just give in?

Run away, drop down to be a feast for the birds,
These thoughts ever prominant in my mind,
Stuck in my head those feelings will never surpass,
Now your wondering what the question will be,
Well its not will i end it. Its more a question of, when?

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

...Your Mine

Never abandoned and never forgotten,
In a life where the truth is yet to be told,
Never left in the cold to hide all alone,
My love someday soon will be with me to hold.

You held out you hand for me to take hold,
Im sorry for the upset and pain that i cause,
As i tell you the first to know of my troubles,
My heart is now yours as my pain takes a pause.

Jen you are there and will always remain,
In my heart and my soul you stand tall for me,
You soothe my upset with the words you utter,
My aching heart locked in shackles your holding the key.

Unlocking my heart for the world to see,
Gaining my trust and my love with time,
My new family and home in Canada i shall go,
I share you with so many but in my mind, your mine... your mine.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

A Never Forgotten Soul

Taken from our hearts so innocent and young,
An angel pushed from the heavens before her life had begun,
Her life stolen away now forever untold,
Never given the chance for her amazing beauty to unfold,
This world we are in can be so bitter and cold.

We think about you with every passing day,
A never forgotten soul in our hearts you will always stay,
Your family all miss your never alone,
Though we weep and cry each day your memories are sewn,
You would have changed the world and how your would have grown.

With a single picture to remember you by,
In my dreams i see you as an angel watching as you fly,
Gazing upon the graceful sky i see you as a star,
The brightest star up way above the brightest one by far,
You are so special to all of us darling we hope you see you are.

In memory of Lyndsey Marie Neville

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

An Impossible Conclusion

A stipulation of hallucinated imagination,
Leads to a pure life of self recreation,
Inflamation from an impossible situation,
Born into a life of utter contamination.

Incineration from the burning alienation,
Isolation imminent from the entire nation,
Elevation to a far away destination,
Striken to clouds above brings gratification.

Interluding absolution with utter dissillusion,
Amazing grace bonded with hatred form fusion,
In your mind a self constitution of retribution,
The only resolution is a non exsistent conclusion.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

An Urgent Cry

My dreams now all nightmares of upset surpassed,
They turn from smiles to fire to brimstone so fast,
Bringing back memories that will never go away,
Ill have them with me always until my dying day.

I dream of not having complete control,
Of my life and my mind its taking its toll,
Im begginging to lose my dreams and my hope,
If i stay here much longer i know i wont cope.

An urgent cry for help i make,
For my safety and futures hopeful sake,
I cannot control what i will do next,
For my past and my present in my mind, so complex.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

A Voice From Heaven

With the voice of an angel,
Filling me with delight,
You comfort my heart,
You banish my fright.

You stare in my eyes,
I really feel you, i do,
I know you love me,
You know i love you.

Keep me in your thoughts,
You set my mind free,
My heart locked inside,
I give you the key.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

Eclipse

Like an eclipse stopping the suns rays from shining down,
My mind in the way stopping the rays of happiness,
My strength to try to move my embedded mind weakens,
Prominant in my physical self, mentally showing i am falling apart.

A question beconing from a distant cry of a smiling image,
True happiness crying out to me overshadowed by upset,
Blackness settles to nothingness forming my reality,
A cloud of grey on a day where its need is unwanted.

All my life i spend searching for an answer to the question,
The real question is just why, but it is overwhelmed with more,
More questions which need answers to infect and spread,
These smaller answers helping me understand the questions depth.

The reality of a striking blow from a past of misconseption and misdirection,
These things are the prologue to the interluding question i seek answers from,
A stinging sensation beaming around from the mind blowing eclipse,
Stuttering through an impartial thought of finding the truth to the improbable.

Each of the momets of hatred which have inset themselves within me,
When inset they leave a mark like a scar permanently visable on the inside,
Trying to block these signatures is as impossible as preventing love,
Once it is there, it is always so prominant in your mind, it never leaves.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

Game of Chance

A token to play in this game of chance that is life,
Winning or losing does not change the desire,
Another gamble is like another opportunity in life,
The victory on the outside aids a burning inner fire.

A million tokens aquired to play in this game,
Be it poorness or greatness the decision not yours,
The scores matter not in this untimed complex game,
As winning in reality is not the true goal to aim for.

To win is to highten the pain from defeat,
As if bringing more need to claim victory inside,
To lose is to give in to and gain nothing from defeat,
Never truely finding a game to lead you as a guide.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

Impact Under the Skin

Strike me down with one forever victorious blow,
The impact is more than you could ever imagine,
It blows away both my physical and my mental self,
With one swinging hit you destroy my life and soul.

More damage than is possible to repair in a lifetime,
The shattering impact it had on my life will remain,
I can never shift the forclosure than your acts have immited,
My physical self is left broken as my soul drifts away.

Not many people can see the problem unless they see inside,
Past my body and past my mind and into my soul of broken glass,
Shards of my soul litter my mind as i try to gather and rebuild,
The puzzle left in the mist of my heart is too damaged to repair.

One day soon i hope to find my puzzlemaster,
This one person will be able to solve my broken puzzle,
The pieces that are missing can be recreated,
I hope and pray that i will become whole... someday.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

Journey of Devotion

A distant cry of utter dismay,
Turns the skies in my mind from sunshine to grey,
A forthcoming cry of crimson upset created,
Turns happiness to sadness from memories un-belated.

A stricken past unforgotten brings forth the truth,
Turns the rain of sheer pain like building a roof,
A shelter to block me from the torment inside,
Turns itself to a roof like a cave so i hide.

A blank piece of canvas for me to release,
Creates a record of truth therefore aiding my peace,
A poem i write for my every heartsinking emotion,
Creates the journey of my life showing my devotion.

A Journey through time of love, peace and crime,
Creates a log of my pathways throughout my time,
A wonder i have now of what i will become,
Creates questions to answer before my time here is done.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

My Minds Torment

Still trying to accept why he did this to me,
What did he gain for me to lose my dignity,
How could he even think to destroy me like this,
I lost my safety for him to gain bliss.

As far as i run, as deep i go to hide,
I cannot find solitude or peace down inside,
Crying and thinking i try to block out whats true,
The damage he caused he wouldnt care if he knew.

I want to just scream to get rid of my hate,
The torment and torture has overwritten my fate,
It continues to build up deep in my soul,
Hiding in blackness as its form turns to coal.

Burning and burning the coal turns to ash,
Memories not deleted return back like a flash,
As my world caves in and shortens my future,
This torment remains progressing my minds torture.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

Noone to Hold Me to Call My Own

Its nights like these which i feel so alone,
With noone to hold me to call my own,
In a world where love is all around me,
I have noone to hold my hand im so lonely.

There is noone in my bed to aid with my sleep,
Noone is truely mine i have noone to keep,
I wish there was someone anyone this night,
To kiss and to cuddle and hold me so tight.

Hope stricken images in my mind of love,
Which will never be here like the flight of a dove,
Soaring through the skies as the dove is free,
My love is grounded for the whole world to see.

I feel like noone will reach out to me,
To take hold of my life and give loves company,
I wish someone was here so im not so alone,
With noone to hold me to call my own.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

Reqium of the Lost Cigarette

Everything created has a unwritten fate,
Until it is brought into this world,
Once here the fate is chosen and written,
There it shall remain until its path is complete.

The cigarette is made and brought to life,
Like the destiny of a butter knife to spread,
It has been created and soon will fulfil itself,
Embroided into a box of utter containment.

Hearing the lid open to realise itself,
Standing to attention to complete its fate,
Even though fire can bring so much pain,
It can be a blessing to an uneeded life.

Smaller and smaller it will become,
As the fire engulfs its life without remorse,
Losing itself and giving into its destiny,
Holding on for one last breath to survive.

Now it is gone and lost, forever forgotten,
Replaced by another to cover its memory,
Lost inside itself and deleted from the world,
The cruel world taking away a future undeserved.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

Sorrow to Rage

I sit here right now as i think of my sorrow,
Using my mind as a checklist more ticks that crosses,
Lifestyle of a broken man, torn to pieces by upset,
I keep running things over in an overcrowded brain,
It feels like im in permanent overdrive not stopping,
Did i deserve all of this misfortune in this short time.

As i remember the things that hurt me the most,
Im still stuck as a child in my own mind,
Still a boy needing answers to questions,
Walking the streets in my mind with nowhere to call home,
Home is a word i used to take for granted,
Now even the permanent has became a solemn imperfection.

My childhood has been dismantled and reassembled,
All thats left is a jumbled puzzle with pieces missing,
The most important pieces are all incomplete or gone,
Born into a unsealed box the contents of which unchecked,
Not realising until it mattered that my life is shattered,
Due to my fates gradual destruction leading to my new self.

Often i sit just staring into pure nothingness,
Realising that these imperfections will always be imminent,
Prominantly sticking out in a hate stricken life,
Anger managment unmanaged as i turn to inner rage,
This rage cannot be verified as i weaken with passing days,
I appear so drained and tired to a world permanently awake.


Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005

Wants and Needs

As i cruise through the wide open spaces in time,
I see myself for who i am as i sing loudly,
So free i feel as i carve my routes in the distance,
I go where i want to, where i need to as freedom prevails,
Free as i bird i yell out my wants and my needs.

I dont need no answers from the questions im asking,
Truth and memories unclouded from my head,
Both silence and noise as i spread my wings wide,
Loud noises block away everything thats bad,
The silence brings depth to emphasise my wants and my needs.

A smile to my face as i forget all my worries,
Happy right now as i write this for all to see,
This upside down frown is not a fake imitation,
My future i see as i sigh and feel victorious,
I made it through all of this, i will achieve my wants and my needs.

Copyright (c) Matthew Neville 2005